so all day, i was happier than i’d been in so long and now i’m home in bed and ugh… why did i get sad? i know this is a process and i know that i’m going to go up and down constantly. but i literally was HAPPY not just okay. i haven’t been happy since fucking freshman year of college. i wasn’t happy on my mother fucking wedding day. and that was because i found out the night before he had asked another girl to buy him a necklace that he also asked me to buy him. should have been a sign. oh well. i’m sure pretty soon i’ll find someone warm to keep in my bed when i wanna. i mean i already COULD but… my best friend called me on my shit, i just made that an option because its funny as fuck. its probably a terrible idea.
i wish hed gtfo of texas. can’t fucking wait.
but i’m not shocked. i’m kind of numb. i cried once because of the shrine of him that is in my old bedroom. I collapsed onto the floor and just let it out. I feel like an empty shell, but I’m going to take this positively. I am an empty shell that can be molded into absolutely anything. It will be fine. I am going to call legal on base and see what I am entitled to financially, and explain the situation to them. He could possibly get in trouble for what he did. But, oh well. I don’t really care. I’m looking out for myself now, not him.
It sucks knowing i drove 1000 miles away only for him to be ten minutes away. Whatever. I’ll see him soon to get the stuff he brought me that I left. I’m sure that will be awkward. I kinda want break up sex, for closure. I’m weird but I’ve always had that in my relationships…
Anyway, thinking about having sex with an ex of mine… I don’t know. I haven’t seen him in years. But I really wanna do some “slutty” things for a while.
when i mention him, even though i never say his name. i know i sometimes have this far off look. i’m thinking about what things could have been if…
well it doesn’t matter, because i never would have stayed in the end. you can’t stay with someone who loves drugs more than you.
so now here i am, constantly battling with myself. i need his attention, but i never get it. i shouldn’t have to fight so hard for someone who betrayed me, but my counselor says its what i need to do. even though it makes no sense. i have to if i want it to work. i have to work twice as hard as him. and its not fair.
i want to just go back to high school. where the… ex… wasn’t in love with drugs, and only me. when things were so beautiful, but carefree.
bleh. but i can’t. so whatever.
lovingxlife asked: Mother-in-laws are annoying, aren´t they? And I do not understand why your own mother tells you thta you would be prettier if you lost weight. No, you ARE beautiful and I am glad that you know it :) Do not cut, I know that it is hard. I´ve done it, too, and I still want to but most of the time I am stronger than that!
I can’t now anyway. I’m in savannah (three hours from home and hubby). I just wanna be with him and my fur baby
aeferg7210 asked: Has your mom always talked to you like that? I grew up with that with both my mom and my grandma. It seemed like I was never good enough for either one of them. My mom always had me on diets and would tell me to "hold my gut in". Great for self esteem, right?
yes. but the older and sicker I’ve gotten, the more weight I’ve gained and the worse she is.
my mother has gotten me on my last nerve. I just popped six klonopin and about to take a muscle relaxed and ambien. I said something about Clayton and she said “like he gives a shit” implying he doesn’t give a shit about me. then she told me I’d be so pretty of I lost weight. and then said I need to lose weight. called me crazy for loving my body the way I am and not feeling the need to lose weight. she is so shitty to me
Last night I went back to the doctor because I was in so much pain. Thankfully, she gave me some vicodin. She thinks I need an MRI but she can’t order them on tricare patients. So she sent over her report to the base, soo hopefully we will figureit out soon. Last night Clayton and I started reading the book “5 Languages of Love”. It opened up discussions about a lot of things in our marriage, which was really good. I also asked him if he wanted to do the love dare with me, and so we are. We made a journal for it, so each night we can reflect on our experiences that day with each challenge. We both felt good about that progress we made. We didn’t argue or fight, just simply communicated. Today I have another counseling appointment and am baby sitting baby Jack. I’m looking forward to today. But I keep falling asleep while typing this. I’ll update this a little later I’m sure. Going to go sleep for two hours before I need to get ready.
<3
for one, it makes me feel better after wards. and two, it helps me get out my frustrations. so i’m about to go work out by myself. and then tonight with clayton. so. here goes…
this weekend has been so rough I can’t even type about it. and I’m so ashamed of myself. I just don’t know. I cut every single day but today, I refuse. both arms and my right thigh are destroyed. I hate that it makes me feel better. when I’m having a breakdown and a panic attack, after I cut I feel so much peaceful and I wish I knew why. I wish I married the man I thought I did. and I wish he had decent parents. they make me feel like shit. they call me a piece of shit. im awesome and beautiful and I wish others could see it too.
never speaking to my mother in law again.
